Horizontal Self-Defense

a horizontal knockout

a horizontal knockout

The Horizontologist enjoys a distinct advantage over his Vertical opponent — he can’t be knocked down. He can’t be knocked down because he is already lying on the ground, happily situated, imbibing the subtle curvature of the Earth.

I know what you are saying:  “You will be kicked mercilessly.” Yes, some people will kick you, some will kick the man on the ground.  But I submit that it is a most ignoble past-time to be avoided at all costs.

Nevertheless, let us remember, some people  will gleefully kick an individual who is already, as they say, down for the count.

And now, my self-defense strategy for the Horizontologist who refuses to take it lying down or any other way:

  1. If or when a foot or club comes swinging toward your head, quickly roll to one side.
  2. Now, take hold of the offending limb, flesh or wood, and twist it.
  3. The assailant will loose his or her balance with the diverted force of his or her own physical momentum which, if at sufficient torque could or would (or should) result in an injury of misengagement.
  4. Once the kicker is no longer Vertical, establish your preferred choke hold.
  5. Now, all that’s left to do is to parlay…

“Do you love your mother?”

“Wha — what?!”

“What is your favourite colour?”


“What is your favourite colour?”

“I don’t know. Ugh!”



Gentle release your student and bid him or her a good day. Remain propped on an elbow until you ascertain that his or her staggering figure is indeed disappearing into the horizon.

There it is. Self-defense for the Horizontologist.


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